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Click on the organge to discover a brave new world filled with language, grammar and stuff.

Whenever I get bored I post a Gumtree ad. I’m sure I blogged about this last year. So that’s what I did sometime last week after too much of the vino. I got a few responses but none of them seemed promising. And then I realised that these guys won’t ever get lucky. Not with me and not with anyone else: the quality of their writing is so awful. Check fer yerself. I laughed very long and very hard at all these mails but the last dude’s email is a gem. Um, I dunno, how’s R3439u37y734834 a second?

Responses to my ad:

is that seriouse add???
r u areal person,,,,
i hope i can chat with u ,,,,but nothing serious

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Hi, i’m Herve, i’m 49. I work on the ship in Cap Town. If you want to joint me to go to the bar or restaurant, we cant talk and will see what append. Bye bye

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HEY DROP ME A LINE

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I am one of the guys , who like ur profile and will want be call urs

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pink or brown?

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i’m difficult and full of sh@t – i know who i want – if you’re not white and dont shave , i’d like to chat and see where this goes

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Hi,
Great, send a pic and the price.
Thankx

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By now everyone on the planet knows that I’m reading Cloud Atlas. And that I’m struggling. It’s not a struggle reminiscent of Mrs Dalloway or Jonathan Strange & Mr Norrel. But it’s a struggle: I need to look up the meaning of every third of fourth word. I have to reread the sentence or paragraph and only then can I laugh, belatedly, at the narrator’s joke or snide comment.

I don’t mind using a dictionary; however, I think David Mitchell went overboard with the words he chose.  I appreciate jargon — when it’s needed — and the occasional Française phrase. But why so often? And why does he insist on using flamboyant words instead of their more well-known synonyms of German descent?

I could never write like that. My writing is bland in comparison but I’d rather be understood. I don’t want to force my readers to a dictionary with every sentence. Or every word. Use le mot juste but do not make me grope for my dictionaries only to spend half an hour deciphering what you meant.

But sometimes I wonder whose readers are worse off: those who use everyday words and the occasional sprinkling of highbrow words, or those who use many such words? Yes, perhaps my readers never encounter a new word when they read my articles. And sometimes I feel guilty. Should I be using more unknown words (I was reluctant to use that adjective, I promise), even though they do not form part of my vocabulary? And how many are enough?

One of the clever boys I dated told me someone, somewhere will always think my writing is too ‘intelligent’; I should just relax and do what I enjoy most — write. And not worry about the supposed intellectual quotient. Besides, Hemingway also didn’t care much for big words. So I’m in excellent company. And I am well on my way to becoming an eristic lapidary.

But why do I struggle through this book? Well, because of sentences such as these: “The youngest dendroglyph is, I suppose, ten years old, but the elders, grown distended as the trees matured, were incised by heathens whose very ghosts are long defunct.”

Update: I had no idea Copyblogger‘s writing about more or less the same thing. Promise.

Two thousand and great wasn’t my best year for reading books; I suffered from reader’s block. Or reading-thick-novels-block, then. But I’m glad to say that the few books I read were quality ones. I have become fussy in my reading habits. But not highbrow. Just fussy.

I also didn’t plan to write a post like this; I was going to dream about which books I’d like to read in 2009. And it helps that I started reading a book — Outliers — just yesterday. In Wordsworth, nogals.

The book that pulled me through 2008

I got He’s just not that into you as a belated birthday gift in 2006. It helped me more than ever last year. I used to sneer at self-help books but this one is just so darn good. It got me through … let’s see, now…it got me through 4 relationships and made me realise I want and need better. Hey, it’s Two thousand and mine so things can only get better, right?

The book that I read twice in 2008

I read The color purple for the first time in 2007 and I blogged about it in October last year. My favourite line is “I think it pisses God off if you walk by the color purple in a field somewhere and don’t notice it.” — Shug. I read it while on holiday last year and my friend couldn’t understand why I was laughing so much; she couldn’t remember any happiness from the movie. And that’s strange, too: critics accused the movie of being a “Spielbergized” version of the book. I loved both the book and the movie. But the book has a special spot in my heart.

The book that taught me the most in 2008

I think it has to be Troublesome Words by Bill Bryson. I carried it everywhere with me, reading whenever I could. Certain words became stuck in my mind; I learnt the difference between discrete and discreet; I now snicker when someone uses enormity and not enormousness. But I make sure the snicker isn’t audible; the meaning of enormity is changing, after all. Bryson is funny and writes well so I’d read this book every day — pity that my flat mate got hold of it…

The book that I didn’t finish reading in 2008

I gave it so many chances. Seriously. It started in November 2006 when I bought it. I gave it another shot in 2007, I think. And then I gave it another try last month. I even managed to read until page 250 or so. But it’s just not meant to be. Perhaps I’m just not that into Jonathan Strange & Mr Norrel. I think it’s time to pass the book along to someone who will appreciate it.

The book that I bought new in 2008

I attended a Michael Stevenson exhibition opening in November 2008 where, after drinking waaaay too much champagne, I bought an art book. Fear of a Black Planet wasn’t expensive but I almost never buy new books; I frequent Cafda in Sea Point. See, I missed Anton Kannemeyer’s exhibition in October so I bought the book to absolve my coloured guilt 😉

The book I didn’t think I’d read *and* finish in 2008

It’s not because it’s a tome, I promise; I just didn’t think I would ever read it. I used to read SciFi and Fantasy books waaaay back when I was in primary school. And then you move on. If you’re a girl. And especially if your mentor gives you Dostoyevsky and Nietszche to read. So I haven’t read much SciFi since I was 13. Anansi Boys was a surprise to me. I found it in my bookshelf and thought ‘Why not’. Instead of buying more books I read something that I already owned. The writing’s not terribly great but I didn’t mind too much: the story kept me going. And I finished it. W00t. It’s a good in-between read.

Oh, just stop already. Yes, there are horrific sites out there and there are people who abuse apostrophes and all. Sometimes, though, you just have to grit your teeth and read the content. </end long-winded rant>

I’ve been reading many Sphinn articles lately. It’s a niche site for internet marketing news. A great article isn’t that article with perfect use of which and that. Nor is a perfect article the one that has the best subject-verb agreement. A great article is one with good grammar and  ideas that inform its readers.

I started smoking cigars earlier this year. So I tried to find a blog that discusses cigars. I found many but they all lacked good writing skills. Not just in the grammar department, but also for general internet writing. I’m sure I could learn much from those blogs but I was too filled with disgust at them not knowing the difference between it’s and its. So I stopped reading those cigar blogs.

And now I wonder: am I missing out on amazing content? I know I’ll miss out on good articles on Sphinn if I sneer at bad writing. Those people aren’t that concerned with grammar; they’re want to spread ideas. And unfortunately for us grammar democrats (I’m a grammar democrat, Gustav!), they do it in a rush.

So what I’ll do from now on is to give the blog or writer a chance. I’ll try to look past the unorthodox spellings and focus on the message instead. I’m sure I’ve mentioned this before, though. But it’s an ongoing effort so I had to remind myself of it once again.

I started writing when I was in primary school. And I used to get high marks for my writing: A’s and A+ marks. It made me feel good. Then the impossible happened: I got a job at Bluesouth in 2007. Well, back then it felt impossible and amazing to get this job. (It still does, sometimes)

So I had to write content for many different websites, sometimes even press releases. I’m still learning every day. Sometimes I got it right; sometimes I got it wrong. I didn’t do too bad back then. I can read some of my older articles and not want to beat my head against a wall. But there are some horrors that I would like to share with you:

1. It’s versus its. One of our account managers walked into the common area at our old offices and wanted to know who wrote a specific article. Well, back in September 2007 it was obvious: I did. I wrote an article for a client and used it’s instead of its. I looked blank for a second before said I’ll change it to the correct word. But I didn’t know why it should’ve been its. Perhaps I was drawing doodles in English class when we covered this. Or perhaps I bunked class for that day. It’s possible. It’s is a contraction of it is or it has — also something I only learnt after school. Or perhaps I just forgot. Its means belonging to it: Its tail was sticking out. These are such easy mistakes to make and sometimes I blame being Afrikaans 😉

2. Using hip ‘n happening words. Fine, I still make this mistake. I still think everyone knows what a fashionista is. I once wrote a blog post and thought everyone would know that a kitchionista is the domestic equivalent of fashionista. People don’t know. If only the truly web-savvy know that Subscribe to my RSS Feed is free, chances are most won’t know ‘fashionable’ words. So it might not be clever to write about teh interweb 😉

3. Utilising words in the wrong context. Ever used enormity instead of enormousness? Or utilise instead of the not so glamorous sounding use? OK, fine, those aren’t the worst examples. But sometimes you use words that just do not belong. Enormity means wickedness, though many people disregard this rule and now prefer using it instead of enormousness. Utilise is not a synonym for use: it means to make the best possible use of something. It’s mostly better to use the original, non-Latin word. Simple is better, remember? I wrote an article last year and used compliment when I meant complement. *knocks head against desk*

4. Verbal diarrhea is a pain. Back in high school, there was a guy — a popular guy, mind you — who we claimed had verbal diarrhea. The online writing equivalent is when you write fluff. Keep It Short, Stupid. Back in September 2007 I wrote 55-word sentences and didn’t feel bad about it. Now I do. Cut out the words you do not need: essentially, actually, in fact, as I was saying. You’ll be more likely to be read posts from authors who do not waffle on and on and on and on.

5. Overuse of brilliant adjectives. See? Who said adjectives are brilliant. Should the reader decide whether a company is brilliant, or should you force-feed him or her to believe it? In the same September 2007 article I wrote about “a dynamic online marketing company in Cape Town”. Perhaps they aren’t, so why write it?

6. Getting subject-verb agreement wrong. I catch myself all the time. I say “Where’s my keys?” when I mean “Where are my keys?” This is such an easy mistake to make. And blaming it on being Afrikaans is a cop-out; I have many black friends who speak faultless English. So I correct myself a lot these days: “There’s my books, um, I mean, there are my books.” Plural subjects need plural verbs. And single subjects need singular verbs. It’s that easy.

Edit on 4 December 2008: And blaming it on being Afrikaans is a cop-out; I have many Xhosa or Sepedi friends who speak faultless English.

I was walking home today after fetching the keys from my Sivu, new flatmate when I saw this car. It happened just as I was about to switch my laptop bag to my other shoulder. Classic.

I wonder if the person who owns this car is a Mxit or IM addict? And I wonder whether LOL WP is available…

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